#blaine anderson you slick motherfucker

#LOOK AT YOU IN YOUR LITTLE SWEATER

#and he’s so far up his own ass that he doesn’t even understand he can BE wrong

#i am distracted from your sadness by your big meaty arms

#NONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONO

#english major problems

#there’s too much blood in my caffeine stream

#OMajfnskdgjalsfkaslfkjnskdjghaklgmakdgjhadgnlaf

#literally chinhanding

#oh no not language

#god you’re such a stupidface

#you know everything about music and you choose to listen to that

“I wish I was in better shape,” I say, but it sounds more like “iwshwrmbrrrshfu” because I have a mouthful of burrito.

There was an incident this afternoon that led to me getting on and off the freeway like 5 times in 10 minutes and I was running super late for work but I still stopped to Starbucks because I was exhausted and knew I had to work for 6 hours still. One of those people trying to get donations and signatures for environmental lobbying bills was outside of the strip mall and started walking behind me talking at me and trying to get me to stop and sign his stupid petition and I finally turned and was like “Look, I know this is your job, but I am currently late for my job and if I don’t get coffee there’s going to be a melee so I need you to back off you’re not even supposed to be doing this here it’s private property.” And he muttered that I was what’s wrong with the world and I yelled that I also spend my free time in the ocean holding a blowtorch to ice floes and laughing as the polar bears sink.

Moral of the story, don’t bother me when I’m trying to get coffee.

I dropped a potato chip down my shirt and when I went after it I cut my boob with a corner and now I’m bleeding.

Watching an episode of Dance Moms and I just ordered a ton of the leotards they’re wearing.

Instead of buying yogurt and then forgetting about it in the fridge til it expired, I brought it home from the grocery store tonight and dropped it while trying to put it in the refrigerator, thereby making it explode when it hit the floor.

Saved myself some trouble, I guess.

I had a little over 8800 followers on the behemoth that was my old blog. I now have the smallest fraction of that and it’s SO CHILL and I LOVE YOU ALL.

I don’t sleep well when I put on chapstick before bed.

My keys were at the foot of my bed and I picked them up with my toes to throw them onto my purse on the floor and my big toe is now stuck in the carabiner why is life so hard.

Between leave-in conditioner and shine mist and body spray my bathroom floor is like a skating rink.